


Discussion

by randomcheeses



Series: What if? [8]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: AU, Crack, Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-09
Updated: 2010-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-11 00:27:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/106224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomcheeses/pseuds/randomcheeses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now that the Manga has ended, First Animé Ed has a few things to discuss with his counterpart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Discussion

The Eds regarded each other.

“So. . .” Animé Ed said slowly. “You got your arm back.”

“Yep,” Manga Ed said happily. “Had to have a few bits of left over automail removed later, but it’s pretty much good as new.”

“And you got to stay in Amestris?”

“Uh huh,” Manga Ed nodded. “Al an’ I are finishing off the new house.”

“Right,” Animé Ed muttered. “I forgot about that. You’re dating Winry. And Al actually looks as if he’s related to you and didn’t end up five-years younger than you.”

His counterpart sighed slightly with happiness. “Yeah.”

“And of course, Sloth wasn’t a cheap copy of Mom and Envy didn’t turn out to be _your_ half-brother,” Animé Ed muttered bitterly.

Manga Ed just nodded in relief.

“But hang on, Colonel Bastard lost his sight in both eyes instead of just needing a patch, right?”

“Er yeah,” Manga Ed said. “For a while. But then Doctor Marcoh turned up and gave him some leftover philosopher’s stone, so he can see _and_ do alchemy the way we used to.”

Animé Ed’s face began to turn red. “Marcoh’s alive?”

“Hmm. . . oh yeah, he’s fine,” Manga Ed replied. “Why? What happened to . . .oh. Oh right. Gluttony?”

“Yes,” Animé Ed hissed through gritted teeth. Then he blinked. “Wait a minute, your Bastard can do clap-alchemy now?”

“Well, yeah. Him, Al and Teacher.”

“Teacher’s alive?!”

“Of course she is,” Manga Ed said, slightly confused. Then he remembered. “Oh right. That movie screwed up a _lot_ for you guys, huh?”

“We don’t talk about that . . .thing,” Animé Ed snarled.

“No kidding,” Manga Ed agreed cheerfully. “I can see why you wouldn’t want to. If Bones had stuck me in a parallel universe where Hughes was a jerk, I wouldn’t wanna talk about it either.”

“Yeah. Hughes,” Animé Ed said quietly. Manga Ed caught his eye.

There was a brief moment of shared empathy for the loss of Hughes.

“Anyway,” Manga Ed said loudly to get over the awkward moment, “we both lost our ability to do alchemy. We’re even there, right?”

“I _don’t_ think so,” Animé Ed protested. “You chose to give up your alchemy. I lost mine from being dropped in an alternate world.”

“Well at least you’re in a world where no one will notice it’s missing?” Manga Ed suggested. “It’s seems like a nice enough world, Jerk-Hughes notwithstanding.”

 Animé Ed glared. “You do _know _there’s a world war on the way?”

“I’m sure you’ll be just fine,” Manga Ed said with a nervous grin. “Nothing to worry about.”

Animé Ed began to mutter under his breath. Occasionally the words ‘BONES’, ‘damn depressing ending jerks’ and ‘gonna kill them all’ became audible. Manga Ed just shook his head wearily.

“Still though,” he said, “I can’t believe they made your Colonel responsible for Aunt and Uncle Rockbell dying. That was just mean.”

Animé Ed jerked out of his sulk, panic written all over his face. “Crap! I hope he didn’t hear you!”

But it was evidently too late, as both Eds soon felt a truckload of angst emanating from behind them.

They looked around to see Animé Roy in the corner with a glass of whisky, a look of serious self-loathing on his face. Animé Ed groaned. “Oh thanks,” he said sarcastically to Manga Ed. “It’s going to take forever to get him out of his corner of woe. You just had to mention Winry’s parents, didn’t you.”

“Oops, sorry,” Manga Ed said sheepishly. “So, is he like this all the time?”

“No,” Animé Ed sighed, “but it does happen more frequently than we’d prefer.”

“How pathetic,” a voice behind them announced. “It is terrible what BONES will do to a man. As if his show even needed any more pointless angst.”

Manga Ed looked over his shoulder. “Oh hello Colonel. I was wondering when you’d get here.”

“Fullmetals,” Manga Roy said, nodding to them. “Excuse me a moment.”

He strode over to Animé Roy and began to talk quietly to the whisky drinking Flame Alchemist. To Animé Ed’s grudging admiration, Manga Roy soon had his Animé counterpart upright and sober.

“Feeling better Bastard?” Animé Ed enquired. “You know, Winry’s not mad at you anymore. You don’t have to go on drinking binge every time someone mentions her parents.”

Animé Roy glared at his version of Ed. “It wasn’t because of _that_,” he said rather unconvincingly.

Animé Ed raised a sceptical eyebrow. “ Well, not just _that,”_ Animé Roy admitted.“I also happened across some M-rated fanfic featuring King Bradley and Gate-baby-covered-Dietlinde Eckhardt. I was attempting to block out the memory with alcohol.”

The other three shuddered in sympathy They were all aware of the terrors fanficcers could create.

“Why do they insist on being so pervy?” Animé Ed complained. “It seems I’m horny or pregnant every time I turn around!” Manga Ed nodded in agreement, a matching scowl on his face. “Or Winry’s pregnant,” Animé Ed added. “I mean jeez, in her case you’d at least figure out that we do have birth control.”

The Mustangs shared a smirk, taking some comfort in the fact that at least in fanfics (yaoi or otherwise) featuring them, the authors generally cast them in the dominant role.

“Fullmetal, they’re fan-ficcers. It’s what they do,” Animé Roy explained condescendingly. “And you have to admit,” he continued smoothly, “some of the official art for our show, was a tad. . . suggestive.”

“If I ever find that artist, I’ll tear them limb from limb!” Animé Ed swore.

“Not that the official art for ours was much better,” Manga Roy added. “It just had more women in it.

“And more Ling,” Manga Ed reminded them.

There was a brief silence as they all considered this and avoided each other’s gazes.

“Anyway,” Animé Roy said, coughing hurriedly, “the fanfic writers aren’t all bad.”

“Oh no?” the Eds chorused, extreme disbelief radiating from them.

“No,” Manga Roy said, predictably agreeing with his eye-patch wearing counterpart. He pointed. “Look.”

The Eds looked.

“Isn’t that-” Manga Ed began.

“Nope,” Animé Ed interrupted. “I’m pretty sure they’re the original versions. Mustang, what’s going on?”

The Roys smiled. “Maes is very popular with the western fanbase,” Manga Roy explained, as they watched Manga Hughes and Animé Hughes squeal over each other’s pictures of Elysia. “They keep resurrecting him.”

“Oh. Well, alright,” Animé Ed conceded. “They’re not one hundred percent evil, I guess.”

“Not to mention they keep coming up with creative ways of ridding you of that _thing_,” Animé Roy said to his counterpart.

“Huh?” Animé Ed said curiously. “What thing?”

“Nothing! Nothing!” Manga Roy said quickly, glaring at Animé Roy. “There is no Thing!”

“But-”

“No!” Manga Roy insisted. “It didn’t appear in the final chapter of the manga, therefore it doesn’t exist.”

“But I distinctly saw-”

“It was a smudge on the screen,” Manga Roy snarled. “Drop it, Eyepatch. I can do alchemy the same way as Fullmetal now. Do you want a demonstration?”

“All right, all right,” Animé Roy said placatingly, holding up his hands. “I believe you.” He smirked.

“Oh, go and hide in your Eskimo hut,” Manga Roy snapped. “I still can’t believe you just hibernated for two years because of losing one eye. I would never leave Hawkeye like that. For crying out loud, you had her hand-feeding you and everything. And you ran away from _that_? Some guys don’t know luck when they see it! Grow some balls man,” he muttered _in_ _sotto voce._

(“1-0 to Manga Mustang,” Animé Ed said quietly.)

“Oh yeah?” Animé Roy snarked. “At least I was actually able to kill Bradley. All you got was that overdeveloped ex-girlfriend of Havoc’s. Whom _I _did not get paralysed, by the way.”

“I got Envy! Which is more than I can say for you!”

“And you let him commit suicide instead of incinerating him,” Animé Roy pointed out flatly. “So that doesn’t count.”

“Hey, I was showcasing the battle between revenge and my own humanity. I was tormented by the angst. Just look at the screencaps.”

“Oh, was that tormented angst?” Animé Roy asked insincerely. “I’m sorry, I thought you were constipated.”

“Say what you like, the fangirls melted at the sight,” Manga Roy defended himself.

“Yes, and Hawkeye thought you were being an idiot,” Animé Roy retorted. “You had to be talked down by Scar, of all people. Not to mention, Fullmetal pointed out how stupid you were being. The fifteen-year-old who goes berserk at any perceived slight to his height thought _you_ looked childish, losing your temper like that.”

Manga Roy glared.

(“And the score is now 1-1, with a fantastic comeback by Animé Mustang.”)

“Actually,” Animé Roy said smugly, “I believe there is one element of our universe, which despite the excess of downer endings makes ours, if not the superior, then at least the safer one in which to live.”

“Oh yeah?” Manga Ed demanded. “And what’s that?”

“Indeed, _Corporal,_” Manga Roy said, emphasising Animé Roy’s inferior rank with glee. “Do tell.”

Animé Roy smirked. “Three words Manga-boy: No. Olivia. Armstrong.”

Animé Ed tilted his head in confusion. “Who’s Olivia Armstrong?” he asked innocently.

Manga Roy and Manga Ed looked at Animé Roy and Animé Ed in jealous disbelief. Animé Roy continued to smirk.

There was momentary silence. Then:

“Get him!”

“Way ahead of you, Colonel!"

Animé Ed watched with amusement as his version of Mustang was chased over the horizon by the two furious Manga characters. “What a dumbass,” he murmured to himself. “Even I know that you should never mention Olivia Armstrong to Manga Mustang. Oh well. Guess it’s just me then.”

Just as Ed was about to walk away in search of food, a hand clapped over each of his shoulders.

“Ed! There you are! Wanna see some pictures?” two delighted voices exclaimed.

Ed looked around in slowly growing dread and found that, yes, he had been captured by the two Hughes’, who were both armed with photos of their respective families.

Faced with the sudden prospect of Hughes squeeing in stereo, Animé Ed did the only logical thing.

“AL! SAVE ME!”

  
~~~

Animé Alphonse paused briefly in his kitten petting. “Al?” he asked his Manga self. “Did you hear something just now?”

“What kind of something?” Manga Al said, picking up another kitten and placing it in his lap.

“I’m not sure, but I think somebody called our name.”

“Eh,” Manga Al said dismissively. “You were probably just imagining it. Look at this one, isn’t he adorable! I named him after Brother.”

“Awww!”


End file.
